sometimes
(when i have the time)
I scroll through my whole blog…from my last post to my first post…
I like seeing what I’ve gone through, who has been there for me, what obstacles I overcame, what obstacles I let tear me down, how dramatic I was about something, how I should have been more dramatic about something, the mistakes I made and learned from, the mistakes I made and didn’t learn from, where my faith was with God at one point in time compared to another point, how I let people affect my actions, the things I truly love, the things that I pretended to love…
It’s all so ….fascinating. I feel like I am reading through another persons life but no—this is my life. I’ve grown, I’ve fallen, I’ve fought, I’ve hit rock bottom and in the end, I love going back, reading the infamous “I hate my life” post and looking at another post weeks later and seeing how I wrote about God has always been there to pull me back up. Tumblr can blur my judgement at times, as i see all the partying pictures and such and how much “fun” it looks like, but tumblr has also provided a timeline of my thought process throughtout high school. Reading through my many posts about the tough times and then reading about how it always got better or I learned something new or I grew as a person from a situation is an assurance that God will forever be my Rock, my Light to guide me through what I may think a tough life at times.
No more
I am contemplating whether or not I should delete my tumblr. Aside from a lot of my “meaningful posts,” tumblr is just filled with pictures that either make me envious, sad, or hopeless. At first, I made this blog so I could vent all my thoughts and do it fast because I’m typing. But there was a period of time where people judged me on what I wrote so I became guarded and started writing things in a different way. Although my posts were all true, I sugar coated things or reworded other things just so people wouldn’t judge me. And that’s not what I want. I want to be able to write freely without being paranoid the wrong person is going to read it and judge me. Therefore, I have decided to hand write everything. Yes, it is very time consuming, but it forces me to be 100% honest without the fear of being judged. and it causes me to commit to something every night—to be able to sit down and write about everything on my mind.
After writing to one of the prompts for the AP lang exam, I started thinking that there really is more value and intimacy in things that are hand written. I want to be able to look back to last week, or last month, or last year and see how I wrote and what I thought about that moment in time. What if my computer crashes? Or I delete my tumblr on impulse along with the past thoughts and memories from my high school years. It’s more efficient to document these thoughts with paper and pen.
Eh, no one reads my tumblr anyway so I won’t be missed
So long for now
pastor Phil told us a story about how his friend teaches his son the four L’s
love. laugh. learn. lead.
how did you love today? how did you laugh today? what did you learn today? how did you lead today?
I’m going to do this
